Some time almost 2 years ago…

Silence is a funny thing. In silence, I have found a voice within that confronts me with a truth that I should have know all along and did not want to face, and the more I try and ignore it, the louder it calls out until I can do nothing but face it head on. And when I do, the defending hush of a life imploding descends.

It was just past 11 pm in the evening. I had just finished a late night teleconference and was just completing a few quick action items that had come out from the call.

Out of the blue, in the silence, a funny feeling came over me. My ex (who was still my husband then) had been behaving odd for a few weeks now and I had been putting it down to work and stress. But what if I was wrong? What if it was something else? Something I cannot imagine that could happen to me, something that i did not even want to name for fear that it would become true….

Don’t be ridiculous! I chided myself. Shame on me, how can I not trust my husband. It’s just work and stress, I should know better, after all I am a full-time working professional myself.

I tried to push the thoughts out of my head but like boomerangs, they kept coming back. I struggled with my thoughts and I eventually gave in. Okay, I’m just check and if I find nothing, I’m just going to slap myself, never give voice to my overactive imagination and just go to bed.

So, for the first time in my years of knowing my then husband and in our 11 years of marriage, I tiptoed into our room and quietly opened the drawer where he kept his wallet. Not that I needed to be quiet – he was sound asleep and snoring rhythmically.

The first cookie crumb: I opened his wallet. There it was, nestled amongst a thin stash of jus a few receipts, was one credit card receipt for a hotel. I blinked. It was for earlier today in the afternoon. What was he doing? Was this for lunch? Seems like a pretty long lunch. And it was not at a type of hotel you would have a business lunch meeting….Was it for a room? Why would he need a room? Was he so tired (and he has been pretty tired of late) that he needed to just have a quiet place to have a nap? Where was the actual receipt that would give me more details?

I found the second cookie crumb in his work bag. A file that contained the hotel room receipt and also the e-mail confirmation for the room booking made with an e-mail address that I did not know of.

An avalanche of cookie crumbs: I tried the e-mail address and got in on the first try. I found more hotel bookings and movie bookings. And e-mails. E-mails declaring love for someone who was not me. And that he could not live without her. Then, I found the chat logs. And my life fell apart.

While no bombs had gone off, there was a ringing in my ears and in my head and in the deafening silence I could hear the quiet breaking of my heart.