Single Sticky Rice

I do not know how long I sat there in silence as my life as I knew ended. How did we come to this?

We were soulmates (or at least I thought we were).

We met in our first year at University. He asked me out soon after Freshmen Orientation Camp. My first fond memory of him and what convinced me to say yes to a date was his goofy dancing to George Harrison’s “Got My Mind Set on You” at the camp. Before the start of the academic year, we were a couple. We dated through those 4 years in university and survived quarrels and a couple of months when we were apart in different countries. There were two or three near break-up moments but we came through those stronger and by the time we were in our final year, I thought we had on a truly solid and strong foundation for a life-long relationship.

There was a moment I remember that I still hold on to about how close we were. We were playing taboo with friends. And it was a sort of couple face-off with another 2 couple friends. We were unbeatable. Just how good were we? I drew a card and said “Sleepless in Seattle”. And he replied without missing a heartbeat “Empire State Building” which was the answer on the card.

He proposed to me on bended knee by a beautiful lake with a tiffany solitaire, and I thought I was truly blessed given that most local boys proposed with the more pragmatic “So, you want to book a HDB flat?”

We got married 7 years after we started dating. Had 4 children. Bought a second home. We’d just finished renovations and moved in less than a year and a half. Life was hopeful and looking up for us. We were talking about how the new home would be where our kids grow up and get married out of, how we would keep our first home and move back there years later when our kids have all moved out.

And I remembered a Saturday in early 2012 at the supermarket, where he had gone to put the groceries in the car and returned from the car park. Looking for me, he spotted me across the sea of busy shoppers and his face lit up with a smile as he made his way through the crowd of shoppers and trolleys, eyes fixed on me. A small moment, unexceptional by most measures, that went unnoticed by the busy strangers around us but for me, magical and imprinted forever in my heart.

Some time almost 2 years ago…

Silence is a funny thing. In silence, I have found a voice within that confronts me with a truth that I should have know all along and did not want to face, and the more I try and ignore it, the louder it calls out until I can do nothing but face it head on. And when I do, the defending hush of a life imploding descends.

It was just past 11 pm in the evening. I had just finished a late night teleconference and was just completing a few quick action items that had come out from the call.

Out of the blue, in the silence, a funny feeling came over me. My ex (who was still my husband then) had been behaving odd for a few weeks now and I had been putting it down to work and stress. But what if I was wrong? What if it was something else? Something I cannot imagine that could happen to me, something that i did not even want to name for fear that it would become true….

Don’t be ridiculous! I chided myself. Shame on me, how can I not trust my husband. It’s just work and stress, I should know better, after all I am a full-time working professional myself.

I tried to push the thoughts out of my head but like boomerangs, they kept coming back. I struggled with my thoughts and I eventually gave in. Okay, I’m just check and if I find nothing, I’m just going to slap myself, never give voice to my overactive imagination and just go to bed.

So, for the first time in my years of knowing my then husband and in our 11 years of marriage, I tiptoed into our room and quietly opened the drawer where he kept his wallet. Not that I needed to be quiet – he was sound asleep and snoring rhythmically.

The first cookie crumb: I opened his wallet. There it was, nestled amongst a thin stash of jus a few receipts, was one credit card receipt for a hotel. I blinked. It was for earlier today in the afternoon. What was he doing? Was this for lunch? Seems like a pretty long lunch. And it was not at a type of hotel you would have a business lunch meeting….Was it for a room? Why would he need a room? Was he so tired (and he has been pretty tired of late) that he needed to just have a quiet place to have a nap? Where was the actual receipt that would give me more details?

I found the second cookie crumb in his work bag. A file that contained the hotel room receipt and also the e-mail confirmation for the room booking made with an e-mail address that I did not know of.

An avalanche of cookie crumbs: I tried the e-mail address and got in on the first try. I found more hotel bookings and movie bookings. And e-mails. E-mails declaring love for someone who was not me. And that he could not live without her. Then, I found the chat logs. And my life fell apart.

While no bombs had gone off, there was a ringing in my ears and in my head and in the deafening silence I could hear the quiet breaking of my heart.